A Mother's Mind Dump

(That's not too dramatic, is it?)

Let me start by saying, I truly don’t know where I’m going with this, but that could be said about almost everything in my life right now.

As a documentary photographer I should be eating up this time to capture, capture, capture; but the only thing that tends to look different from day-to-day is the creative way my boys have managed to enrage me by destroying some part of our house.

While that might seem like a “cute” story to tell, I’m too attached to the moment to have my intention for the image be anything other than to capture the negative of the moment. My mind obsesses on the following thought:

Should something happen where my health becomes an issue- please don’t let the one memory my kids carry with them from this time be all the ways in which I turned into “mean mommy” over them taking creative fun a little too far.

I have managed to take out my camera a few times over the last couple of months to capture our highs and lows.

March and April were “easy” in the grand scheme of things. We had family here fixing up their RV right before stay-at-home orders were starting in NY and CA. We taught our youngest how to ride on two wheels. And our oldest seemed to enjoy his quarantine birthday though it was far from the Disney staycation we had originally planned.

In June, my husband requested that I tag-a-long with my camera on their weekend golf outing as his Father’s Day gift. The boys made it through six holes on Disney’s Oak Trail (a walking course) in 98 degree heat and 100% humidity.

For the everyday stuff in my own life I have been very much frustrated by the situation as I mentioned a bit before. 2020 was supposed to be the first big year for my business. Both kids would be in school for five days in the week, and I no longer had the wedding partnership stealing my attention.

If you’re a mom, you know what my reality was like the last four months. A typical day goes something like: cooking, cleaning, playtime, more cooking, cleaning again, yelling, more yelling, time to cook again, followed by dinner frustrations, more cleaning, and then bedtime routine. Repeat. Repeat again.

My limited “me” time is going to the grocery store wearing a mask and trying to be as cordial as I can while also keeping distant. All the while I ponder what next week, next month, the rest of 2020- hell- the rest of our lives will look like. When the dust settles, what will our new normal be?

Every hour seems to bring a mix of emotions. I’m trying to shield the kids from most of it which means my inner monologue is constantly going- hence this random stream of thought.

I hope that in reading this you might find some comfort that you aren’t in this alone. Writing it has been a bit cathartic for me, so thank you for indulging me.

Here is a last set of pictures from inside our home- all taken within an hour of each other.

The ups and downs are real. Staying home isn’t as easy as it sounds, but it is leading to moments that will forever shape our being.

I am still available to capture your family in this time. To learn more about my COVID-19 updates, check out this page.